Simple little life

The Good Ship MOW has a leak. I tend to be one to mutiny loudly or else quietly wait upon a ship as it still manages to sail me as close to my next port as possible. Then I'll quietly slink off board and swim ashore, or liberating a small life boat, and paddling off on my own as the tides, wind and my own physical effort can move me, I float under the sky in anticipation of meeting with my next ship to board.

What's going on? I think if I were to die right now, I'd probably have to come back and have another life, because for sure I haven't fulfilled my reason for being here, I haven't excersized my abilities, I haven't really pushed or explored my talents to the edge and beyond.

As I sit at work, I know that I don't belong here at this desk, doing this job. What I do for my actual job is less than what I do just being me and the folks who can "see" are somehow touched and THAT's why I'm here.

A party was held for two of my co-workers who were moving on. At this party I ended up feeling really wonderful and happy, in a way I hadn't felt in awhile. I'm separated from my co-workers at work geographically, as I work in the business department on one side of the building and the social working folk work on the other, giving us rare chances to meet and get to know each other. I was happily surprised at this party when the partner of a guy I barely know was excited to meet me because she heard that I am a hypnotherapist and this launched an entire conversation on healing and metaphysics etc.

People seemed to like my point of view and I felt bouyant with some psychic understanding that I was exactly in my element and was receiving unsolicited admiration or respect and interest in what information I was sharing.

Years ago, I begrudgingly went to see Amma, an east Indian saint who hugs people. I went with my tai chi group, just becuase our teacher was going after class. Fine, I went, but I loathed any kind of touchy-feely weird spiritual gooeyness. I waited and waited in line for a hug from this woman, and I really couldn't have cared less. She hugged hundreds of people. That's all she did. Eventually it was my turn, ugh. I kneeled my way up to her, her assistants swabbed my arms and chest to be sure I was relatively clean.

When I was in front of her she didn't hug me straight-away as simply as she did with the other folk. She looked into my eyes, she pulled me close to her and lifted my left arm up and inhaled from my armpit deeply. Then she did the same with my right arm, a big deep inhale. Then she held me by both arms her arm length away to look at me with a broad smile and she tipped her head backwards as she let out a deep laugh and then she hugged me.

I was almost mortified. However I knew from having watched her that this was a rare interaction. I knew that she was getting or confirming some kind of information about me through my phermones or something. I have always been tempted to be humble about this moment but in truth, I just can't, I just came away from the experience feeling special, feeling recognized as special and that this woman is obviously sensitive to something information like a "psychic" because she "gave" me what I know I've wanted, what I've thought I've needed, to be recognized as special.

Now, I know we are all special. We are all unique individual cross sections of time and space and expressions of energy which cannot and never will be duplicated. And, at the same time, not everyone is set apart by his or her self as a speaker or leader or presence with undeniable recognition, such as the folks we consider great.

I have an unshakable leaning, desire for "greatness." I have attemped to mute it, to humble it, to deny it, to justify it as something that all people want and that I should just live my simple little life.

And what if I'm wrong. This "greatness" to which I refer is not one of vanity, I have a deep feeling that it means so much more. To me it feels like an itch I can't scratch, a tickle I can't resolve, and it is both sensational in an exciting way and tiring because it is always present yet unfulfilled.