Winds of Change

A smidge over five weeks has passed since I began my raw-living foods lifestyle. In that time I've just included a 10 day fast on Stanley Burrough's Master Cleanser "lemonade" fast. I have many reasons to celebrate, not the least is that I have happily and healthfully shed 15 pounds of fat.

I originally began this commitment to raw-living foods as part of my Year Of The Body experiment where I devote myself to exploring my own health, and actively experience the methods that I will one day recommend for future clients and students of mine. As a healer ever becoming herself, I find it impossible for me to advocate good health and health practices without being healthy myself. A commitment few medical doctors make themselves. Heck, a commitment that few alternative practitioners make. However, I cannot, could not even consider myself a true teacher or healer if I didn't make this commitment and stick to it.

Along with the weight loss I have experienced fabulous changes in my skin, it radiates, it seems to me, and it certainly looks and feels great. I walk differently, with even greater grace and confidence, with a lightness I've known is inside me. My emotions have accessed a greater sense of balance, of equanimity, and my already optimistic realism has become even more so. I don't just feel hopeful about this world, I feel certainty in the goodness that exists and can and does continue to grow. I feel complete and content in simplicity; the simplicity of walking everywhere, of not questioning my motives or direction (too much), of feeling at peace in many ways.

I feel a new sense of self respect due to my ability to hold to this commitment to myself of eating only raw and living foods. I have long felt that I did not have a sense of discipline. I know that I do, however it seemed busily occupied in being disciplined to "bad" habits; now I'm channeling it to areas which make me feel really good, and really good about myself. Every meal, every day, every week that I've kept to my food plan solidifies my self worth. It's about time. This confidence transposes itself into other areas of my life: my healing abilities, my creativity.

During this journey in my relationship to food, both in changing what I eat, as well as during the cleansing fast, I noticed so much of my time and energy in life had been wrapped up in what I'm going to eat . I still spend time doing this, but I rarely can do it gratuitously. I have to prepare almost all of my food, and it is time consuming, so I notice myself deciding that I don't really need to eat right now.

I notice that a desire to eat, for me, often comes from moments of boredom, and "need" of emotional support. Especially on the fast I noticed that I had to find other ways to deal with boredom and emotional tenuousness. I often just had to float through them. I could see how often times in my life I would sabotage my creative impulses with a "fake" hunger and decision to go eat something, thus effectively derailing my creativity and procrastinating my self expressions. I might still do this now, but I'm more likely to reflect and notice what I'm doing and muddle through whatever issue I'm having with being creative. Or if I do turn to eating something, it's probably an apple, which takes no effort and no time and thus I'm back to facing myself with my personal challenges of following through on my visions.

This last stuff I think is the most important. For a good decade (sadly) I've been an average person, procrastinating my life away and letting the winds of circumstance inspire a lazy fear and reactionariness in me. Now, I can't do that, I'm not doing it any longer.

I watched a video the other night, one of a series called "Art City" and the title of the specific video is "Simlicity." An older artist, Agnes Martin was very inspiring in her staunch devotion to personal vision and life. She said "life is people knowing what they want, getting it. You must know what you want."

Right on, Agnes.