Standing in the Nature of Myself

Journal entry 15 October 2004

Shaking off mist of doubt this morning as I lay in bed. I don�t know how my abilities of concentration, focus, discipline, rate relative to other humans, in this case, Americans (although I�m not sure why I restrict my reference to just Americans, except that because my present personality has been raised with the cultural influence of this country). I think that I may be somewhere above average when I�m relaxed with myself, I don�t know that I�ve truly experimented with deeper levels in this conscious life yet. Even with my possible above average sense of self and concentration, I find myself constantly having to remind myself that I am not bound by expectations of others, that there is more to my (our) daily living and life purpose than most folks fathom consciously.

I think I am somewhat lazy still, about what I know, what I can know, what I can apply; the ease with which I can navigate in this temporal illusion, or this illusion of temporalness, as it were. I am feeling closer and closer to stepping through a portal of adventuresome acceptance of my understanding.

I have been blessed with an awesome gift that I helped to create, this buffer we call money, a significant fortune in this time and place relative to what so many don�t have (what does it mean?). I contemplate daily how to �use� it, as some of it dribbles away. I feel a playful responsibility to further educate myself in ways that I consider to be �higher� frequency activities, such as learning yoga, such as becoming adept at creating living foods and living foods menus, such as healing work whether it be called Reiki or hypnotherapy or massage. I still feel a bit of stumbling as I grope for what is the �right� answer for me. In some way I hope to be told by some other source what I should do, to point the answer out to me, yet I know I have the answers that matter.

I do feel that I look at humans, humanity and events very differently than many folks do. Am I special because of this? I don�t know, but I think that I am somewhat more at peace in a what many conceive to be a senselessly violent suffering filled world.

[As I was sitting in a cafe writing this, a young boy, perhaps 5 years old, came up to me and asked me if I would move my backpack so that he could sit in the chair next to me at the bar. Happily I did so and he asked me what I was doing. When I explained that I was writing in my journal, he of course asked me what a journal is and I told him it is where I write down my thoughts and ideas, and sometimes drawings. He was unabashed about hanging out with me and his mother had to come get him. I said it was nice meeting him. He said good to see me too, then he said goodbye then told me his name is Kyle. I told him mine is Cassie. After leaving he came back to engage me in further conversation to the minor annoyance of his mother,but he�s a neat kid, and I don�t mind. He then said that maybe I could come to his house sometime! I said you never know, stranger things have happened in the world! I think this is a neat happening in the world, to have a child magnetically stream to one, this seems to happen to me often. I feel that somehow I am giving off a good aura, that the child is attracted to me for the fun, glowing essence that I am. It feels good.]

At times I still reach out for a specific �meaning� in my life, as if there is only ONE meaning, some pat answer that can be fulfilled, like a fast food order and then I�m done with it. Yet I know that is not the case. I have a longing to be playfully and serenely creatively flowing, to follow my desire to create contexts of shapes, color, texture, feeling,the essence of the smiling cosmic yes. So many people in the world, in the culture in which I was raised believe this world to be so hard with pockets of goodness and perhaps some pleasure, yet expecting it to turn bad or lose its beauty sooner or later. That is a sad place to live in as far as I�m concerned and daily I feel faced with the challenge of being in the world yet not of it; living colorfully the framework of truth and abundance, of soulful playfulness and of inevitable fulfillment.

Fulfillment is inevitable, and if we realize this then perhaps we�ll relax and help it to emerge from us with more ease and joy, simply by being ourselves. Everyday I wake up to these thoughts, and I wonder when the day comes that I won�t wonder so much, and I won�t feel just a little worried about my purpose or how I spend my �time� and if it is considered wasted or productive by others.

If I do yoga, will my life be �solved,� if I eat living and raw foods, will my life be easier to wake up to day by day, will I naturally be creative without questioning the why how where when who? Will I feel satisfied with what I know, what I don�t, with the infinite truth, with the local truth, with who I think I am, who I am, who I am constantly becoming? Only I can give permission to myself to feel fulfilled. Only I can believe it, feel it, know it FOR ME. Only I can do this.