sunday blues

my horoscope for the month, by Susan Miller (http://astrologyzone.com) was right on. the planetary aspects are such that I may need lots of nurturing right now, and for that reason may not have the nurturing for my closest person (partner) that I normally do.

so true. it's all true. this weekend I've gotten a blast, a wave of some kind of icky, and I want shelter, I want a hand to hold. I can hold my own, but like a foot massage, sure you can do it yourself, but it feels nicer when someone else does it for you.

I went to see Ani DiFranco with Zuzu on Friday in Berkeley. Ms. DiFranco never disappoints, never. I feel that way mostly because from my experience of her, what she has shown us these ten odd years, is that she's earnest about being, about being honest, and sometimes if that means breaking down and cancelling a show, it doesn't disappoint me.

I do feel nostalgic for the more intimate shows, like at the Great American Music Hall oh so many years ago, and the songs that sounded best to me were just woman and guitar. Yet I respect her drive to experiment and change, and I take her shows as what she wants to give us, not as what I want from her.

Her shows have always been times when I've felt the most inspired and secure in my human existence, and simultaneously felt the deepest pangs of loneliness. The crowd was huge woman energy on Friday and that provides a high to be sure, and also a longing ...though I'm not sure a longing for what. And that could be the problem, and I thought of this as I sat in the cool night air listening to her play and sing to us, to me.

This longing seems to be a perpetual state that I find myself in, in my life, and sometimes when I feel focused, not necessarily on a goal but a marker along my path, I feel ok, the longing is a fuel. But at the times when my insecurities get the best of me, I feel adrift and all I see is horizon, no land, and I am not inspired by the horizon as I usually am, the potential unlimited of my life, instead I am tired and I'd like a beach with a safe cove where I can rest and collect shells.

Her voice rang out into the cooling evening air, and I thought about my sign, Aries, harbinger of spring. The energy of Aries has been described as the aggressive nature of life seeking light. I used to dislike the word 'aggressive' as applied to me because people tend to associate it with a violence that is hurtful. I would replace it with 'assertive' until I read a Dane Rhudyar astrology book Pulse of Life. He explained that the blade of grass must aggressively emerge it's way through the darkness of the earth soil towards the light. I rely on this analogy often to help me out of my darkest times. And I have dark times, contrary to what some people in my life think. I just don't wallow in the dark as much as I used to and as much as some others seem to.

Like the blade of grass pushing its way through the soil, I am driven by an inner knowing that I am going somewhere, that my whole motion is up. I have heard of this 'light' that the roots of the older grass blades speak of and not yet seen it myself, and somehow I just know that I must get to it, that is my JOB in life to aggrressively wiggle upward, out of the dark and into the light. That is the way I am wired.

Today was icky because I have a friend who is a winter baby, her knowledge, her life is all about what can be learned in the dark, in the shadow, in the place of no direct light (though light is automatically implied, and therefore exists as part of the knowledge of that phase), and this friend's energy, and insistence that I must find my lessons in the dark, is not what I need right now, yet I was supposed to see her today to finish a class she's teaching. I saw her yesterday and somehow it was both the right thing and the wrong thing to do.