the apology

there are people who deserve apologies from me
friends I no longer talk to
people who were friends of mine at one time
who no longer are
and who are confused as to why not

there are people who could apologize to me
friends I no longer talk to
people who were friends of mine at one time
who no longer are
and who are confused as to why we talk no more

even when I disappear quietly
from a person's life (and I have done it often)
it isn't quiet
because like it or not
good or bad or everything in between
I make a big impression
and when I take leave
there is a place that is either left empty
or needs to be filled
in both cases it draws attention

to those of you who feel left
who feel like you could use an apology
here it is: I am sorry
does it really matter?
I think only if you understand
who it is who gives the apology
and if you did
I probably wouldn't have ever left

to those who wonder at my lack of appearance
and how it came to be
don't take it too personally
or maybe it might help to
though I can't help but think
it might cause some wincing

some of you broke my heart
some of you smacked of a truth
that I coudn't bear at the time
some just moved away
but the ones that hurt the most
are the ones who year after year
told me how much I changed
from the year before
and the year before that
eventually I saw that you could
see that because you weren't changing
and the contrast between us was so great
that I could no longer relate to you


I said that to only one person from my past
(though not the person who needs to hear it the most)
who came back to ask for me
to revisit our friendship that faded away
and to him, I apologize in earnest
I'm sure it didn't feel good
and I may even be missing out
yet I don't think so
you have my respect
you have my soul love
but it isn't good for me
to know you anymore

I wouldn't like to be on the receiving end
of that, though I have been before
and I was hurt
and I recovered
and I saw the truth of it
and I don't need an apology
because I know
it was all part of you becoming you
and if i believe in nothing else
I believe in becoming