Delia in my heart

Delia

your untimely exit
makes me feel more human than I care to
just yesterday
I was lamenting how distant I feel
not connected
hovering the surface of life experience
lacking a depth of emotional interaction
I should have been more careful
knowing that we get that for which we ask

i knew you only little
every six to ten weeks for the last three or four years
chatting for an hour
as you'd cut my hair

enough to know
your parents called you 'devil child'

I gave you shells
collected from a distant Spanish beach
and hoped I'd win the lottery someday
to fund your animal shelter

I know it can be hard here
and I know the pain
but I wish that someone
anyone
would have been there
to show you options
other than leaving

I know too much about the nature of reality
to be sad for you right now
I cry for me
because I'll miss hearing your voice
dreaming of your animal farm
(and I've thought of you and it quite often over the years)
I cry for the time right before you took the pills
shot the gun
glided the razor
crashed the car
because that time rarely passes without tears
you weren't the type
to have steel resolve

Sagittarians love to have fun
killing oneself isn't any fun
not really

I am so angry that I can barely breathe
and there's not a damn thing I can do about it
There's a part of me that wishes I could join you
yet I know it isn't right

And so from now on

I'm going to have fun

in your name

Delia

deep fun

silly fun

I'm going to live a life worth living

and I'll think of you smiling