not recovered, but not crying

Well, I received a very nice email from Delia's friends and co-workers today which helped me to place my feelings of sadness about her killing herself somewhere that they don't fester, rather they get the love they need to forge ahead.

I had once asked her that if she could do anything, what would that be. Her answer: to have an animal shelter for abused or abandoned animals. Her friend wrote to me that her mission in life was to let people know that animals have their own emotions and language.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to recognize that a part of her "original wound" was feeling abandoned and abused. To me that's very sad. I think of the symbology of a domesticated animal here in our culture. Basically they depend upon humans to care for them, and basically, unless of some deranged DNA, or very fierce training, they are nothing but bundles of love, seeking little more than to bestow their unconditional love vibes upon us. This all too makes me feel sad because of the equation coming down to a beautiful woman wanting and capable of giving so much love, feeling abandoned and abused, so hurt that she's motivated to a point of violent self-annihilation.

Her coworker told me that they were all surprised, that she was happy when they last saw her that day, and that things in her life seemed to be going her way. He also mentioned to me that she had a history of depression, for which she was taking medication. He said that there were no obvious signs of her impending action, though she had been drinking heavily.

There are some things hard for me to bear, one is a society, and specifically a professional medical system which allows clinically depressed people to just get medication and just send them on their way, as though that will be enough. Sometimes nothing is enough even for those of us *not* clinically depressed.

And I'm not pointing any fingers, I'm not, but I think that I consider consistant heavy drinking, an obvious sign that something isn't right in someone's psyche. What more of a sign do we need?

I'm angry because of a lot of things, but right now, I'm angry because I feel that depression is a very real problem, and chronic depression a worse one and I feel that there is a piss poor support network in our culture relative to depression. Why wait until someone calls a suicide hotline? We need to catch people a lot sooner than that. I know too well that as humans we can muster up a self hypnotic trance that won't even acknowledge such options.

What if, what *if* this happened:

a woman lucky enough to recognize she's not feeling so good about life reaches out enough to get professional help, be it her physician or a mental health professional of some nature. And what if this professional assessed her situation and said, "o.k. if you want to keep your apartment, it'll be paid for while you stay at one of our beautiful facilities where you'll have your own private cottage that your most important stuff will fit into, including your cat, whom we know you adore. If you don't want to keep your apt, we'll help find and subsidize a different one you'll like, after your stay at the healing farm (as it were). There will be loosely scheduled activities that include one's youll find appealing, and you'll receive the therapies of your choice everyday (such as massage, energy work of various natures, etc) as well as a two hour session with your counselor therapist twice a week, or more if you prefer. you and your counselor can draw a blueprint of where you feel you are at now, and how you'd like to feel and we'll do the best possible to accomodate your needs. your friends are welcome to visit you at any time, and you are free to leave and visit them at any time, just give us a little notice so we know not to cook for you that day."

you know? your basic needs cared for. unconditional loved offered around every corner. cats, dogs, beautiful natural settings to relax in. your employer would cooperate because they would be compensated for your absence and if you chose, you could go back to your old job, if not, excellent help would be offered to help you find a new employment scene, or train you in a vocation of your choosing.

anyway, I'm tired. and I'm okay.