Surrender, but don't give yourself away

Oh to be in Zuzu's shoes and soak up the spring, lovely reconnections and stellar weekends.... Someday again I'll feel somewhat carefree. It truly helps to live in particular areas of Marin to accomplish this, oh how I miss Marin.

I miss riding my bicycle everywhere, even and especially at night through the single lane redwood tree-lined hills of Mill Valley.

I fondly recall the evening when I was soaking Mill Valley in through an LSD high. I had finished hanging out with my friend Lucy who lived up in the hills. I felt so free riding my mt. bike in those night hills. The air was so pure, so cool and easy to breathe.

I was riding without my light on, pretty fast down hill, there must have been a bright enough moon for me to make out the street...fast as I could go and oh shit I see a village of racoons crossing the road. Big racoons. I was able to stop quickly, but I was scared out of my mind and rode uphill, scared of coming back down, I must have rode in the hills for a couple of hours before I felt safe enough to ride home.

CW had the wires and bars removed from her mouth today. Her two front top teeth are gone, one in the lower back is cracked and at least one is loose somewhere. She has a titanium plate in her chin, about the size of my little finger, and six screws, as she broke her jaw right down the center. Picture on the right shows the thing she has. She took it well at the time, kinda, but it turned out to be a very hard day for her.

It would be hard for me too. All the reasons for not wanting to live before now compounded by the broken body.

I ended up not going to class tonight. It was a movement oriented class for creative expression, and I'm just not into that, not a public dancer. And I'm working on a presentation for tomorrow's class. I'm supposed to cover the feminist contribution to personality theory called "relational-cultural theory." Bah humbug. I immediately had an aversion to it. It reeks of biology is destiny and really isn't good for women.

I'll spend the presentation presenting criticisms and superior alternatives to the theory.

I feel so far away. I am so very pleased when I read Zuzu's entry of reconnection and good times, and I feel so far away from that. Far away from my friends, far away from life. As though my friends are moving on without me. I feel sad about it.

This may change, I'm counting on it, but right now I feel so isolated from the people and things that nurture me and inspire me to laughter.