connected and free

May 28, 2000

In the pre-waking state the words "connected and free" came to me. Not out of nowhere, though perhaps out of the VOID. Those words are from Marleen Mulder my hypnosis teacher, she uses them when bringing someone out of hypnosis, and I really liked it and so I integrated them into my own style.

The meaning to me is clear: connected to the SOURCE, the VOID, GOD, EVERYTHING, and free as in not bound to obstacles, habits. Free to choose in any moment to direct our intention and our attention anywhere we desire. Free to choose, free to be responsible for our surrounding landscape. Free to be ourselves.

I am listening to a hypnosis tape in the morning and evening now, the VOID, by Oromond McGill. It helps me to not only remember my connection, my reflection of the VOID, the space, the charm, but to actually *feel* my relationship to it.

This is the the story I ma telling about my grandmother, my mother and myself. And it is not restricted to just us, for my sister is in there too, however for a story's sake I am concentrating on the three of us since we are all Aries and it's kind of allegory for our society.

My grandmother was completely separated and she took her separation out with anger, with a burning self denial and loathing. She inflicted her rage of disconnection to the SOURCE by telling her daughter, my mother, that she was not loved, that she was not deserving of love, that she didn't even deserve respect or life. Of course she may not have said these in so many words, yet her actions conveyed her deep misunderstanding of love, and her own pain of not feeling loved or safe in the Universe. She had four children, yet only one daughter and that was who she poured all her pain and hurt into. What didn't go to my mother, went into my grandmother's colon, for she died of colon cancer when she was 52.

My mother has now outlived her own mother's age. Interesting how at the age of 52, the same age that my grandmother died, my mother's body decided to send her a message stronger than any message it had sent her before, she began feeling the severe effects of fibromyalgia. I read that human bodies age only because we observe other people age and therefore we do the same, yet there is no reason we need to. The fact that all of our cells regenerate every eleven months, such that no cell is same as the year before indicates that it isn't in fact the body that automatically ages, rather it is the mind, it is based on what we believe.

I think that somewhere buried in my mother's belief system, was the message that she would die at the same age as her mother. Why? Well we could take this to the edge and say that my mother was really just a vessel for her mother's continued saddness. Somehow an equation may have been derived, Rose died at 52, you are now 52, you are Rose, you will die at 52.

Because my mother is her own soul however, she cannot entirely follow through on the equation and so that's why she developed a serious physical condition that might eventually lead to death, but mostly was intense pain, rather than the speedy cancer that burned a hole in Rose's body.

In speaking with my mother she said she also felt that she was carrying her mother's pain.

Something that keeps repeating itself in my head is: write honestly, just write my experience as it happened. That is all that I can do, that I need to do. I must be impulsed to write this down for a reason, I believe it is to help spread the word to others that love heals, it really does. There was nothing scientific, nothing but love guided therapies that my mother participated in that helped her become well.

Both of us deny that she is "living" with fibromyalgia, and that she is healthy as she lives with it. No. Both of us feel that that is participating in a negative paradigm, that the fibromyalgia would be the dominant "condition" of her life and that her healthiness is just the secondary condition. No. That vto me is too limiting a philosophy.

My mother changed her paradigm, therefore the fibromyalgia couldn't exist. It didn't have the same host it had before.