Death Rattle

Last night CW and I were talking and somehow we got on to the topic of age, and then social security and then when she gets hers. That'll be in three years. She said she'd maybe leave the zen center, maybe she'd stay. Then I mentioned Spirit Rock and moving to Fairfax so she could be closer to it. No way, said she. I'm moving to Lake Oswego or Manzanita. Well, that felt like a nail in the coffin of whatever it is that we're doing, because I'm almost 100 % sure that I am NOT moving to either of those places. And if I am, certainly not within the next 10 years.

She spoke of the last partner she'd had who didn't think she'd live past her 30's and so never got a job with a retirement, or planned how she'd afford retirement. CW has her house, but the other partner had zilch. Hmmm. Well, if we're all on our own, then I have different ideas about how *I'm* covering my ass, and it certainly isn't by investing all my income as rent.

With any luck, my aunt Mary who is 90 will be dying and leaving me her house, or at least half of it. In that case, I can buy the 1922 house in Fairfax and either live in it, or rent it out. I'd rather live there. I was looking at the pictures of the interior online, and it's nicer than I thought. I'd really like it. There is a little corner in the upper part of the house which looks out over the yard, and is a perfect writing cubby corner. It's a perfect house for one person with several cats and a private home based job.

Funny. If I were to say to CW, hey, I'm really interested in making investments with my money for my retirement and I've decided to buy a house, well, I don't think she'd respond as happily as she feels about having her *own* house. One would think that she'd be pleased, seeing as how she herself feels it's such a great investment. Earlier this year we talked about getting rings for each other, and a few weeks ago we revisited that. I put it off because I couldn't even think about it until I got a job and could afford whatever we were going to do about it. That was pre-fight, of course. Now, who knows. I don't want to mention it, but its like a big elephant in the middle of the room.

And so what does getting rings mean? And what would it mean to get them? Would it mean that I agree to move to Oregon? The way that CW spoke about moving there, it seemed such a final decision and that she knew in saying it that it was defiant. Somehow if I say I'm not going, then I'm the one breaking things up.

Thing is, I really love her. I see her struggles, I know what pleases her and those things are simple in their own way. And tender and beautiful. I *know* that she just wants to have a rollicking time on earth. And in the 60's-80's she had many of these. But somehow the habit of being a progressive liberal has worn the joy receptors down and the pained, self-righteous receptors are receiving full-bore.

I still have my joy receptors in tact. Most of them. I constantly nurture their longevity, but mostly with promises of future joy.

I feel sad that I have fantasies of vacations with my family without CW; that many of my plans ultimately do not include her. And I look at them and they do not include her because she doesn't want to be involved. She doesn't even like most of her friends anymore. I feel sad because I want to love her and show her the joyful things in life, but she's barely interested.

I look to the dream that I had the other night of the earthquake and how CW wasn't there. My biggest shifts and she isn't involved. Now this is both appropriate and telling. I know that it doesn't mean that CW aren't supposed to be together (now). I have a feeling that it means that my core life doesn't require her immediate presence. My foundation was being shaken and moved and she wasn't around.

Is it fair to feel about someone that you like spending good moods and times with them, but not the rest of the time? Am I being unfair to her? Staying but knowing that someday we will part, sooner than death?