I Know You Know

Whew! Background check went OK and I am hired. Got the official paperwork today and will hand in on Monday!

I got your note Zu, and I know, I know. And, I don't know. We both seem to be playing some weird game, or dancing a weird dance. I mean, *I* certainly don't want to move to Oregon, though I said I would before. I can understand all of the reasons why she wants to move there, and I don't blame her: less expensive to live, can sell her house, buy one outright or a condo for cheap and have all she needs for retirement; and close to her family.

But it is so white. And not the Bay Area, and far from my friends, not to mention my family, though they may move again to another state anyway. I like Manzanita more than Oswego. But if we moved, I'd need to have my own house, or wing, and how likely is that?

As appealing as living in a small coastal town sounds, I can feel myself feel bored and stuck.

But then what are we both doing. Both of us are comfortable enough where we are, denying what we can't discuss right now, not wanting things to be messy now, will it be messy later?

Part of me thinks that her comment this morning was much like Heidi's fishing for a fight when she tells me that wacky crap about her plans to raise her child. I think in some ways she's hurt and angrily watching out for herself, which truly isn't much different than what I do as I lie in bed in the night and in the morning thinking of living without her in my cozy home in Marin. If I had everything I wanted, we both live in Marin right next door to each other.

I want everything to be ok. But I won't bend backwards to make it that way. Ultimately I will do what is best for me.

I have developed patience. I am waiting and watching, not making any quick moves, if not false ones. I'm in no rush, but maybe one day I will be. I dunno. Like you said, if it were now, I'd know it.