assimilation

Part 3 (read the other parts first)

Fifteen years ago I had no sympathy for my mother. I had little love to give her, in fact only if she had come down with death or something close to it, would I have rallied my daughter's love for a mother, to the surface. And yet my love may have been powerless, as I didn't know enough about the world to help her. I was seventeen and indulgant in my individuation. My parent's suffered through it, my mother silently accepted my violent withdrawl, a quiet, seething hate and ostrisization. She believed that she deserved this hate, and so she said nothing, taking it in, year after year a little more convinced that her own mother was right, that she was stupid and bad and never did anything right.

Looking at it all now, everything worked out perfectly. When my mother finally did get sick, when her body said to her soul, "okay, this is it, I'm really breaking down now because I can't handle the negativity, I can't handle the lies," I was able to hear that. I was able to help my mother. Still fumbling in the dark, I at least knew there was some light to be found somewhere, and I must have been sending messages to whereever messages get heard, because I received help, and I knew it. Books crossed my path that I wouldn't have read before, new people with support or information came into my life and every one of these things helped me to present my mother with options that she didn't know she had.

It took time to get her used to the reality that there were options to what she'd believed for so long was just a surrender to infinite pain and painful death.

Where did it begin? I saw her limping for years, I figured it was her old knee injury, and her weight. She had tried for years to lose weight yet there was a place she couldn't get below and we all accepted it. She exercised and it still didn't do much for her except help her heart.

I don't what happened to me nor exactly when, somewhere between 1996 and now, that I began to have a very strong philosophy that "there are no rules." It's a weird statement to make because I do believe there are Cosmic rules, a rule, perhaps. Like the Hopi people, I believe that the only law is to be true to oneself. Now the ability to understand what that means, "to be true to oneself" takes a long journey for a western person to get to, because to our culture, the first question that get's asked is, "so is it okay to kill someone if that's being true to yourself?" A completely ridiculous question.

I don't believe that there are strict rules of cause and effect or of inheritance the way we in the west tend to believe. For instance, because my grandmother died of colon cancer, I'm told that I'm predisposed to getting colon cancer. Bullshit, I don't believe it. I don't believe it because that sets up fear based living, rather than an understanding, and integral based living. I believe that we as humans create our health with our thoughts. Simply put, if we think truly positive, love-filled thoughts, if we have a deep sense of love feelings, and we can also assimilate new information we receive in the world, then we will be sending a message of affirmation, of life, of love, to the material that creates our physical body. If we have thoughts and feelings of negativity,lies (denying the cosmic truth that we are a microcosm of the macrocosm), then we send a message of negation to the material that creates our physical body, and therefore, it breaks down, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, to a certain death. This seems very straight forward to me, I'm not sure why people would want to argue with it, if only they don't want to think that life is that simple. And in truth, if one has lived a life of lies, and personal deceit, then acknowledging that health is derived from living the opposite way, is a painful and difficult task. It's too much responsibility.