Esalen and me

Yesterday I completed the third day of my Esalen massage course. I've long held a resentment towards Esalen, mostly because it is a beautiful area and I am jealous of not being around in the 60's and 70's living there and participating with all of the cutting edge stuff going on there. And yet I know that as who I am I might not have liked many aspects of it. Esalen reminds me of the all of the warm and wonderful characteristics of the 60's-70's era, how easy it is for me to idealize the place.

I am taking this course, my first in depth massage course and which will qualify me to be a certified massage practitioner, and since Esalen is trademarked, I will also be a certified Esalen bodywork practioner. With exception of the teacher and a teacher's aid, the entire class is made up of women, ranging in ages from 23-65. This is an experiencial course with a lot of group interfacing and "processing" so as to get to know each other and create a sense of trust in the group. This is not the way other massage courses are taught. It is casual and it is almost like group therapy.

Esalen massage is differentiated by other forms of massage by its intuitive nature, and the conscious grounded loving joyful focus of the practioner. Esalen is a nurturing bodywork, not a specific clinical manipulation of muscles. That kind of approach can of course be integrated into Esalen, but it isn't the foundation of it.

I was nervous about my life before taking the class, wondering if I was doing the "right thing" as though taking or not taking this class sealed my fate. I now know that I am doing the right thing by taking the class, and if not for having the certification, then for the practice of getting to know others, and to experience community. I realized how solitary my daily life is, and how much I enjoy certain kinds of groups. I recall being a child of 5-10 in the 70's and the natural ease of socialization I felt. I was warm, friendly and exuberant and had no problem striking up contact with a child or adult (who was not obviously closed).

I was nervous in the class because I felt in the center of the spectrum of personalities, as if there is such a hierarchy. Like as a child being picked for a team, some would obviously be chosen first, some second, and some taken on the team simply because you had to take them. I used to be a first pick, in this class I felt like a second pick, and it was interesting to me to watch my feelings, watch how I was projecting this and that fear or expectation onto the other students, and how I'd resolve feelings of inadequacy in myself. It was apparent that we'd be continuously choosing partners to work on, and that in and of itself seems to reveal how people are attracted to me or not (that's how I was feeling, not necessarily the truth of the matter). The first day a woman immediately beelined to me, and it was okay, because I didn't have to reach out, it just happened. I was becoming more and more nervous because there were some women who I considered in the "first pick" category and I didn't want to be vulnerable and approach them, because they obviously hadn't approached me. Ugh! The person I resonate with internally, or kind of think I wish I were , whom I would like to be perceived as, is Maggie. We're the same age, similar build, though she's a little more fit and toned, long brown hair, smiling warm friendly blue eyes, intelligent, confident in a congenial way.

Anyway, lots of "processing" was going on by some very needy students, and I was a quiet observer, wishing we could just get down to learning, although knowing that this is part of it all. The night of the second class I came home and cried to CW about not know what the fuck I'm doing with my life etc, knowing full well that I was releasing energy triggered by all the emotional stuff mentioned above about my self reflection. I felt particularly sad that I felt aloof and that I wasn't reaching out, and wasn't sure if I knew how, and don't like considering being rejected etc. I knew I'd have to have a new partner the next class, and I didn't want to get stuck as one of the last people saying I didn't have a partner, because I didn't want to feel rejected. I was determined that the next day I'd find a way to connect with someone. It happened easily enough. We do yoga first thing, and the woman next to me, a very cool mature woman who is a nurse in bone marrow transplant, has my same name, so we had a mini connection. I good morninged her and asked her about her work and we got into a conversation about my favorite topics dreams, dying, death and the variables around the transition. We had a great conversation and that led into me asking her if she'd want to work as partners for the day, yes, oh thank the goddess.

I can see how much I've changed, developed, dropped fears and grown confidences in life, through taking the class. I am learning to loosen up and not be so hard on myself. I can tell that I've made progress on this front because although I'm kind of unsure in class, I'm not frozen with fear of not being perfect the first time touching or massaging someone. I am actively proud of myself in class, and as I work on my partner I have a friendly, loving regard for myself, and I often smile inwardly if not outwardly about consciously being kind to myself, giving myself affirmation, and dissolving harsh criticism.

I've been thinking about what I want from this class, or what I'm getting from it naturally. I am getting training and experience in touching another person, massaging a person, yet I think m ost importantly for me, I am learning how to teach. I see in this teacher's style and ability that I am not so far from teaching, that I have things to share and that I know how to. I can actually imagine myself teaching a small group, and this is a valuable and important place for me to have reached. If we can visualize it, we can do it, I'm practically there.