Ho Hum

Life seems so serious right now. Funny, that. I know at my core, that persepctive is the key, that the perceiver creates reality, and that I can change life "simply" by changing my view. Sometimes this is harder than it seems.

I have felt desperately stuck as of recent months, limited in my options. Stuck at my job, somewhat stuck in my home (not enough room I keep saying, not the right town). When people feel suicidal it usually is the indication that they think that there are no options. I feel that way sometimes this year.

I am wriggling about, attempting to break free from a narrow view, but I do slip into despair and I suppose self-pity at times, both big energy drains and wastes of energy.

Although Tahoe was irritating at times, I was so renewed in spirit by going there, and swimming in the clear, fresh water, smelling the pine leaves, and the warm rock along the path through the marshland to the beach.

As I was in Tahoe I thought often about making a huge turn-around and taking whatever classes I need to take to be a ranger, or naturalist. I'm not sure there are any more employment options in that zone than the one I am pursuing now, but at least I'd be in nature.

Actually, I was thinking that I am going to take those classes anyway, and above and beyond getting my MA in Transpersonal Psychology, I would work towards the natural history/biology zone so that eventually, when I am through with psychology, I can "retire" to Tahoe or Yosemite, and be a ranger.

So many options floating through my brain that I feel pulled in too many idea directions. I am so interested in the aging experience (in others), and states of consciousness involved, dreaming and the thin veil between very old age and death. I could sit and talk with oldsters for days, weeks, months, even maybe years, but how can I have it naturally be sustaining for me as a way of living?

I also love children very much and have been possibly interested in getting the units for early childhood education so that I can have the option of relatively gainful employment in a preschool, as I pursue my hypnotherapy and healing stuff.

Then of course, there is a part of me that wonders..."why do all of that when all you really want to do is hike and kayak and swim?"

Growing pains?

And then CW. SHe's having a mental melt down. She's not sleeping through the nights and it is beginning to affect me. I told her that she should go to her MD's office first thing Monday AM (just down the street from us) and sit there until she can get a refill for Trazodone and Clonazepam, both things helped her immensely before, when nothing else did.

SHe's in high anxiety. She assures me that she'll never attempt to kill herself again, but she said that she wished that she could just be gone, then I could ahve the house and get on with my life. Oh Boy. So I spend the morning soothing her and trying to get her to be practical.

Anyway...The deadline for sending my application in for school is August 15th...I hope I can get the most of my required documents in by then. They seem very flexible at the school and really just want students, so I'm sure they'll work with me. They very quickly called me yesterday afet I sent an email requesting info regarding the pre-requisite courses.

I'm ready to bite the bullet and forge ahead. I was thinking that when I graduate I can have a party and allow my family to contribute what they might to my student loans.

Well, must leave cafe and head back home!