being a transformer

My horoscope from Susan Miller had said that today would have its rough aspects for me. I saw it coming yesterday when I woke up in a funk. I decided that it wasn't a good time to stop drinking coffee as I had intended to. I didn't drink any yesterday and I felt irritability under the surface of my skin, though with my escape route larger perspective of life I keep in my pocket for just such an emergency, I managed to be kind to everyone yesterday. I slept too much though, a bit of a depression methinks. I ate dinner out, went home, meant to take a two hour nap then to read but I slept and woke groggy at 10 and went to bed.

I'm moving out of my apartment to afford to rent an office space for my Reiki-healing work. I'll be living part time in the office and part time in an old girlfriend's studio. The most important thing is to have a safe place for Stella my cat.

I'm feeling nervous, anxious yet I know it is just growing pains and I don't mind it. I am stretching on many levels, nudging myself to live in vivid colors, no longer holding my cards or my expression so close to my chest, this takes practice, yet it can happen in a moment, any moment I choose.

I get insecure about the Reiki thing, am I qualified enough to help anyone, there is surely more that I could learn etc. Thankfully though I have a few experiences under my belt that I can pull out for review and for a confidence boost:

A woman I'll call "Cheri" came to see me. She was in bad shape with an assortment of cancers and virus' in current vogue. She has a frenetic and dramatic aura and troublesome things tend to follow her around. When I saw her for one session she had recently had a tumor in her stomach area and some kind of an infection, as well as dealing with a variety of symptoms associated with her AIDS status. She was in a great deal of pain and had recently been on morphine but wasn't at the time I saw her, because she didn't want to be dependant upon it. She also had a fever.

The day she saw me she was an hour late because some kid had stolen her purse on the bus. It was a sad thing to have happen yet it was quite typical of her aura and I wasn't surprised. So she was thrown off any balance she may have had.

Knowing less about using Reiki than I know now, I set her on my table (without a blanket because she was so hot from fever). I played some soft Native American flute music and began to Reiki her in a standard set of hand positions starting from her head.

About 10 minutes into working on her, and nothing more elaborate than having my hands on her and using the reiki symbols I'd just learned about, she began to moan in a way that I could tell she was finding some kind of soothing from the Reiki. I had no clue how much she was getting from it though. I moved down to her heart and chest area right above her stomach and she became more vocal about relaxing. When I went to her stomach area and stayed there, she told me that something happened. The pain she had which was immense had simply dropped out of her. Not only that but she no longer had a fever and could I please get her a blanket. We were both stunned, but of course I just encouraged her to relax and allow any tension to flow out of her body and into a cord at the bottom of her spine and into the center of the earth.

She and I were amazed. She couldn't stop talking about how she felt absolutely no pain, and she even felt really good. Relaxed and vibrant. I had to consciously remember to keep my jaw from hanging in wonder. I mean this lady was in a great deal of pain when she came in, she generally is.

And so I thank her because I couldn't imagine that what happened could have happened yet it did and I only knew some basics, and now I have more information about how to apply Reiki.

So everyday now I seem to be diffusing feelings of insecurity and anxiety...it's probably the best experience that I can get in order to be of any help to people who will come to see me. And this is how I view it, and work with it. Knowing that I am not my feelings, I am not my thoughts. I have them, as Seth says, as I have eggs or bacon for breakfast. I have them yet I wouldn't consider myself bacon or eggs. I use them.

I am a transformer, as we all are. When I remain conscious of this I feel good and I feel that I can accomodate any feelings or thoughts that pass through me. I know they aren't permanent and that they offer me something. What that something is depends upon what I do with them.

I am happy to be alive.